Celebrating Adoption

Celebrating Adoption

To celebrate National Adoption Month, I have copied some of my adoption related posts from Xanga.

Adoption

Whenever someone finds out my children are adopted they either think I am crazy or a saint. The truth is, I am neither. I am a woman who wanted children, and for me,
adoption was my best all around option. When we first went to the adoption agency, we were like any other prospective adoptive parent. We wanted a little baby.
One little baby. But that is not how our story went.

Once people make their judgement, crazy or saint, they then move to the question part of their discussion. It NEVER ceases to amaze me the questions people will ask.
For example, one of the most common questions I am asked is, "How much did it cost?" I have yet to hear anyone ever ask a birth parent, "How much did it cost you to have your baby?"
I tend to be a pretty open person, and we share our story freely because we are proud of our family, but I still am amazed that someone who doesn't even know us feels comfortable
asking the following questions ( I have included some of my staple answers. Depending on how I am feeling I answer a)honestly, b) with humor, or C) I tell them it is personal).

What made you decide to adopt?
a) I have lupus
b)The kids came with free toothbrushes, so it was a good deal.
What happened to their parents, did they die? ( I REALLY HATE when people ask this question in front of the children, it scares them)
a) They were not able to make good, safe choices for the children.
b)They were stranded on tropic deserted Island with their skipper, a professor, a movie star, and a millionaire and his wife.

How much did it cost you to adopt?
a) Not a thing- It cost me money, a lot of time, 2 years of adoptions classes, 2 years of parenting classes, a lifetime of wishes and hopes, one broken heart, an ocean's worth of tears,
all of my strength, more courage than I knew I had, 2 plane tickets to Connecticut, and one trip to Sea World. And in the end, I got back so much more than I ever spent.

Do they know they are adopted?
a) Yes, we believe in being open with them about who they are, where they came from, and how we became a family. It gives them security to know their own story.
b) Given the fact that they used to live somewhere else, I am guessing they have an idea.

Do they have any problems?
a) No, they are beautiful, healthy, happy, and intelligent children. They have experienced some things that will stay with them forever, but they are proud of their story.
b) Yes, Cindy is constantly nagging me to let her dust and wash dishes. Shawn will not stop walking on his hands in the family room, Austin is continually hungry, we think he may
have a tapeworm, and Kate is a very serious candidate to drown in the toilet. She loves to put her head under water. We think she may have mutated with a fish. That, and she
meows when she sees a cat.

We realize that most of the questions are asked with the best of intentions. For so long Adoption was a taboo subject, It wasn't even discussed within families. As it is becoming more
open, people are curious about what is like, and what the process is. For the most part, we cherish our ability to educate people and share our story, but every once in a while, we
seize our opportunity to just have a private joke with our story. Some of my favorites are:

Once someone came up to me and said, "Wow, Your son has an amazing athletic ability (Which he does), Is his father athletic? I smiled and said, "I don't know, I don't know that
much about him." I walked away while her mouth dropped.

Once someone asked me what time of day Cindy was born, and I just smiled and said, "I don't know, I wasn't there." She looked at me like I was crazy.

The kids have had their moments too:

During Red Ribbon week at her school, Cindy raised her hand and told her ENTIRE class, the director, and her teacher, "My mommy does drugs." My face turned purple as everyone
looked at me accusingly. Luckily my love and logic parenting kicked in and I turned the statement into an opportunity for her to see the wisdom in not using drugs.

Even better was the time Shawn told someone we had just met that he lived with his foster parents for a while, but now he lived with me AGAIN. HUH?!?

I guess if I could educate people about one thing regarding adoption, I would first educate people who are not adopting about the language they use. I think when you adopt a child
the process thickens your skin about a lot of adoption related issues. But sometimes, improper language can inadvertently be hurtful if overheard by an adopted child.

Both Adoptive Mothers and Birth Mothers are REAL and NATURAL mothers.
Children are never GIVEN UP for adoption. Either they are lovingly PLACED with adoptive parents as part of well thought out and often emotional life plan OR a Judge has determined that their birth families are not able to provide a safe environment for them, and therefore PLACES them with adoptive families.
ALL Children are WANTED. They are WANTED by their birth families, but either the birth families LOVE them enough to want a better life for them, or they are unable to meet the criteria
set by the Judge. Want and Ability are very different things. And they are absolutely WANTED by their adoptive families.
As for parents considering adoption, I would want to educate them about the choices available for adoption- there are A LOT- and the importance and responsibility of really educating yourself about the needs of adoptive child. I have heard so many ignorant statements spoken by potential adoptive parents. In many cases, such as international adoption, the adoptive parents do not have to attend as many adoption classes as adoptive parents going through an FFA Adoption agency, therefore they are often not as prepared for many adoption related issues. For example, during one of our adoption classes, we were talking about the impact of having so many placements on a child. Usually, children in the foster system have had so
many caretakers that their ability to form healthy attachments is impaired. Many times it doesn't show up until adolescence. One of the adoptive parents in our class commented that she
didn't have to worry about that. Her child was coming from China and had been in the same orphanage since birth. The more educated parents rolled there eyes, after all, children raised in orphanages may have lived in one place their whole life, but they are often warehoused, not raised, and furthermore, they often have even more caretakers than children who have simply been moved from home to home. I am in no way against International Adoption. I would love to have a little Asian or Russian baby. What I am against is parents who adopt internationally because they want a quick adoption, or they can not pass the strict requirements of a domestic adoption, or they don't want to have to deal with the court system or the birth family. And
I am REALLY against people who adopt internationally because they feel sorry for the kids' situations or they want to "save" a child. On more than one occasion I have heard such parents complain that their child should be grateful that they were adopted and given a chance at a better life. That is BACKWARDS. The Parents should be grateful that they were given the opportunity to raise a child. Adopted or not, children should learn to be grateful for the blessings of life, I am not disagreeing with that, but I can't imagine a parent considering him or herself some sort of savior. You should adopt the child, or children that you feel a connection with, and you should adopt because you want to share your life with a child. Period.

People often say that adoption is the same as giving birth. That is a stupid thing to say. It isn't the same. It isn't that adoptive parents don't love their children as much as birth parents,
in some cases I think they may even love them more because they had to go through so much to be blessed with them. But it isn't the same. Especially in my case. My children were older when we adopted them. I have no idea what their first words were, or what they looked like as babies. I don't know a lot of the little things. I have still never seen my oldest daughter
with her top teeth. I didn't get 9 months to prepare for my child's arrival. Heck, I got less than 24 hours for my youngest child. But I got a whole lot more than most birth parents get. My children came with medical insurance, toothbrushes, toys, clothes, and even a mouse pad and coffee cup. I got a social work with a 24 hour pager to answer every question I had about raising a child- no matter how silly. I got respite services, and lifetime classes, therapy (including art therapy which is so much fun, last week, I made a pillow!!), and educational services.
It isn't that one is better than the other, they are just different, and I think our children are better served by celebrating those differences. We teach our children that families are built in
all sorts of ways. Some through divorce and remarriage, some through tragic events, some through adoption, and some parents even have their own babies. I guess all I am trying to say
is that everyone's journey to parenthood is different. If I had decided to give birth to a baby, my journey would have been very different than the one I ultimately traveled. But in the end,
I believe I was united with the children I was always meant to have. And I am so grateful for that.

OK, That is my thoughts for today on Adoption.

However your family came to be, I hope you celebrate your story.

The Gift of Openness

Yesterday was a VERY crazy day. I just want to go on record as saying, My Kids Rock! My day started at 4:30am, and it never slowed down. It was a Loooong Day. But they stayed sweet
and joyful all day and that made it so much more enjoyable. The big news of the day came at the adoption agency... Toby and I are going to be interviewed by the LA Times. The are
doing a story on living an open adoption. Because Kinship Center is one the leading authorities on Open Adoption, the LA Times chose to primarily focus on them. They are going to be interviewing families with varying degrees of openness. We were chosen because we legally have a traditional "Closed Adoption". However, due to our extensive training at Kinship, we believe that there should be openness wherever possible. In our children's case, an open adoption with the birthparents would not be safe. However, in every family there is bound to be someone who is safe. In our kids' case, that person was their aunt. Actually, 2 aunts. Through Social Services, we have chosen to maintain contact with the kids' birth aunt. We protect the children's safety by offering her no identifying information about us. She has no idea where we live, or even our last name. But we send letters and pictures to her through the social worker. And what we get back is amazing. She sent us a family tree for the children, and some pictures of their birthparents (we had never seen a picture of their birthdad. ) But in her last letter, she sent us the most special thing I ever could have asked for: She sent pictures of the children as babies. When I saw them, I couldn't take my eyes off them. I never thought I would
ever be able to see what they looked like as babies. I had allowed for this contact, despite my fear and reservations- and all the terrible Lifetime movies- because I believed it was in the best interest of my children. It never ocurred to me that I would benefit so greatly. And it did something else:
When I showed my daughter the pictures, I didn't tell her who they were. She looked down at the the first picture and her whole face lit up. "Mommy, that's my daddy", she said. I had
never seen him before, he was new to me. But, as has happened so many times, I realized she had memories I will never know. He wasn't a new face to her. Then she looked at the
second picture, " Mommy, that's my mommy holding Kate", she said. When I told her no, that was her mommy holding her, she just smiled and looked at the picture for a long itme. Then she traced the picture with her finger. She said nothing else. After a while, she simply handed me back the pictures and went off to play. It was a couple of days, and some random off handed comments, before I realized what had happened. For years, she has lived with 2 fears about her birth parents: a) that despite her best efforts, she might one day forget what they looked like, and b) were they ok.? Now that she has these pictures she knows she will always be able to know what they look like, and she knows that in the moment that the picture was taken, they were ok. And that knowledge heals her more than anything I could have ever said or done. That is the Gift that only comes from the courage of openness.

Attachment

Well, once again, I have had to watch the toll my daughter's life has taken on her. Today, I thought it would be fun to surprise her with a visit to her Pre-K teacher. Mrs. Rosa is now the aide in another classroom because she is taking more classes at college, and didn't have so much time to dedicate to actually running a classroom. So, I thought I would pop in on her. She was so overjoyed to Cindy, and Cindy ran to her, and hugged her so tight. After what seemed to be a very long time, I went over to Cindy because she was not letting go, and I saw that she was crying. Not just a small cry, but the kind of cry where there is no sounds, just lots and lots of tears, the kind of crying that comes from very deep in your heart. When we finally got Cindy to let go, she simply said, "I miss you, and I thought you were gone." For someone so young, she has lost too much. And had not mattered that I had promised her we would visit Mrs. Rosa. It had not mattered that I had gotten her phone number. In her heart, Cindy had truly believed she would never see her again. The worst part of that moment was that I realized that it doesn't matter how much I love her, there will be things in her heart that I can not fix. And that makes me unbelievably sad. It also makes me realize the importance of keeping all the connections I can keep for her. Regardless of how scary it may be, or how many Lifetime movies try to persuade me otherwise, I need to be bigger than that fear. I need to be different. I need to help teach her that moving on doesn't always mean saying goodbye, and saying goodbye doesn't always mean forever. I need to help her learn to heal her fear of loss and abandonment, so that someday she will also be able to learn that sometimes saying goodbye- even forever- is ok.

On that note, yesterday, we received another note from the kids' birth aunts. It was short and sweet, only a paragraph long, Mainly she just wanted to know what they kids were going to be for Halloween. She also told me something I wishe I had known a while ago. Kate's birth name, M'Cira Le, is an anagram for Miracle. I think it would be a cute story for her baby book. My mother - and I am sure she is not the only one- has been against us allowing contact from her via social services. Today made me realize that regardless of how afraid we might all be, by me allowing this very limited access, I am showing my daughter that I am big enough to reach out and help her heal her losses. I am giving her the chance to someday have a bridge to cross back over and deal with her past, should she feel she needs to. And if she feels she doesn't need to, she can at least walk away knowing the choice was hers.
I don't want to write cordial letters to my children's birth family. I don't want to keep my mouth shut about the anger I sometimes feel towards them, or the saddness, I sometimes also feel, for their life paths. I don't want my children to have started off their lives the way they did. I want to protect them from ever being sad, or ever being hurt. But it turns out it is absolutely NOT about what I want. It is about what they NEED. And the truth is, they need me to put aside my own fears, and help them to be the best them that they can be. Whether writing letters to their Birth Aunt, or letting them cross the monkey bars, even if they might fall. I am not sure I can take 20 year of this...

Giving Thanks and Celebrating Adoption

November is one of my favorite months of the year. First it is the month of Thanksgiving, which is actually (despite what many people think) my favorite holiday. Second, it is the month
that we celebrate adoption.
Thanksgiving, to me, is a time to stop all the hustle and bustle of life, and really take time to be grateful for all the blessings we have in our lives. And, to me, it is the calm before the storm- the impending holiday chaos! Like most people, I try to remember to be grateful EVERY day, but I don't always succeed. November is a nice time to try extra hard. I also like the
fact that there is no gift giving. It is purely about spending time with family and being grateful to have someone you love enough to share the holiday with. If you have nothing else,
just that is enough.

Celebrating Adoption is something we also do every day in our family. We are very involved in our agency and believe that by involving our children in the adoption community, allowing
them to meet and participate with other families- both birth and adoptive- in the adoption community, we are giving them an understanding of the process, and thereby, an understanding
of who they are. They meet people everyday who are adult adoptees, birthparents, and adoptive families. They understand- even at their young ages- that there are many different reasons that children find their families through adoption. I believe that such understanding frees their hearts to just be the best them they can be, and not get caught up in searching for
something.

On that note, I recently encountered someone who was thinking about adopting, possibly through the foster system. This is not a subject I take lightly. I think far too many people are just simply not educated enough about the facts of raising children from the system, and it saddens me for the difficulties it can cause their future children. Especially people who look at my situation. If you were an outsider, looking at my family, our children seem like a dream. Sure, they were from the system, but they are so well adjusted and well behaved, and funny, and smart. and still seem to have that wonderful childhood innocence. And in many ways, all of that is true. But there is a side that outsiders don't see.

First and foremost, I was educated for 2 years on the realities of raising a child from the system. I attend- to this day- a support group of parents raising "systems kids". I heard day in
and day out about the challenges my friends were facing. I Learned how to see life through the child's eyes. I remember, on more than one occasion, playing games in class that left the entire class in tears as we understood new levels of fear and abandonment, and control and anger. I spent time with the kids in our group. And I heard the truth. So many times,
especially within some agencies, the truth can be sugarcoated, and in the end, all that sugarcoating only makes it worse.

Second, my children, had the best possible situation within foster care. Sadly, their situation is a rarity. For the longest part of their foster care journey, they were together with one family. A family who loves them completely. They had a social worker who genuinely cared about them, and still calls them occasionally to just say hello. In a chaotic system, they were lucky.

Finally, with all that education, and all that luck, my children, particularly my oldest, still suffer the issues innate to having had a chaotic beginning. My daughter has an intense fear of abandonment. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her that I will always be there. It doesn't matter how much I love her. It doesn't matter how many days I always show up, on time,
to pick her up from school. However good I am, it will be a VERY long time before it is enough to take away the one memory of her birthmom not coming home. No matter how much I want to pretend that my daughter's life has always been safe and happy, I am reminded too often that that is not the case. And I am of better service to my daughter to acknowledge that, and teach her to deal with it, rather than pretending that her life began the day she moved in with me. What she needs is for me to love HER -past and all, not for me to love the idea of her
and what I want her to be.

Whatever you think you know about parenting, not all parenting techniques transfer over to these kids. Some of things you swear you will never do, have to give way to reality of the emotional well-being of your child. A classic example is food. Most people agree that young children can not bring food to their bedrooms. With some kids from the system, that is just an unrealistic expectation. You have to be flexible enough to let go for awhile. A great compromise is to let the children have some non-perishable items in a specific place in their room.
As the child begins to feel more safe, they will no longer need that safety net, and you can reexamine the rules that you want.

Finally, I would encourage anyone interested in adoption- whether international, domestic, voluntary relinquishment, or through the foster system- to contact a state licensed FFA. Get yourself educated about the choices you have in adoption. Get yourself educated about the REALITIES of raising kids from each type of situation. Choose an agency, like Kinship Center,
that specializes in education, continuing education, life-long support, psychological/ therapy service with professionals specializing in adoption, and offers life long participation. Many times private lawyers, or church programs yield you a child so much quicker, but in this life altering journey- faster is NOT better. And if you have any questions about adoption, or the
foster care system, please feel free to ask. If you don't want to leave a comment, feel free to email me.

Kinship's Adoption Celebration
written: November 7, 2005

Ok, Now for the good news! Yesterday (Sunday the 6th) Kinship Center had their annual Adoption Celebration! It was so amazing! The best part was I got to catch up with some friends that I hadn't seen in awhile! especially Trea & Chris and Michelle & Pat. I got to spend time with Kian and her family, as well as Nancy, Sharon, Annie, Chevan, and Melissa (all of our social workers). And of course my "Adoption Friends" were there! The music was provided by a group called Hi-Hopes, and if you have never seen them, you are truly missing out. They are a group of musicians all with a genetic disease like autism, down-syndrom, Williams Disease, or PKU. And I am telling you- it was the best performance I have heard. They were mind blowing good. There were so many activities for the kids- they made hats, colored canvas totes, had faces painted, balloons made, we made squares for the Annual Kinship Quilt, and ate a TON of food. The event was sponsored by The Walt Disney Charitable Foundation, The Stearns Family Charitable Foundation, and Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. (Yeah, we had a TON of ice cream!) But the most "Michelle's world twist" was the Stearns foundation. So, here is the story:

Once, I was watching Oprah. During the show, there was a woman who could crow like a rooster. Oprah was giving away clothes, and this woman got one of the outfits. Then, a couple of years later, it turnes out that that moment had changed her life. So, I was watching Oprah again (this was before children, mind you) and they chronicled this woman's life since her Oprah appearance, because she had gone to have an incredible dream life. She had been offered a job as a DJ with a local chicago radio station, then moved on to the KTLA news show. She went to Vegas with some friends, met a man, but did nothing about it. They each went home. Then, he turned on his tv and saw her there. He had really enjoyed her company, so he decided to take a chance and contact her through the station. They ended up dating. And then, she found out, that he was worth 500 million dollars. He bought her her dream house in Newport Coast, and proposed to her. She even got a guest role as the gym teacher in "Princess Diaries".

So, I saw all of this unfold on Oprah, right? Well it turns out that her name (is Mindy Burbano STEARNS). So here she is, visiting at my table, Sponsoring this event. And all I could think of was that I had watched her on Oprah! LOL She is just as nice, and genuine and down to earth as she had always appeared to be. It turns out that she a really good friend of Allison, one of the Kinship Center therapists, and love and logic instructors. Because Mindy is now retired, and just gave birth to a little boy, she had been stopping by Kinship a lot to have lunch with Allison. She developed a soft spot for Kinship, and decided to sponsor our celebration. She also told me that Oprah just contacted her to be a part of the 20th anniversary celebration. Oprah must be getting around to calling me yet.... LOL

Anyway, the most important thing is that the kids had SO much fun, and it was a great way to celebrate the wonderful world of adoption!

Adoption Thought of the Day
written November 16, 2005

When we adopted our children, someone gave me a card that read, "Somehow, the Universe has a way of knowing who belongs together." Today, I was watching my children, and it occurred to me just how true that statement is. It isn't just that my oldest daughter is the SPITTING IMAGE of my grandmother, or that all 4 of my children have the same EXACT birthmark as MY father, or that they all seem to share my family's genetic trait for sustaining injury, it is more that they are just so attuned with us. If know one knew they were adopted, No one would be able to tell.

One Small Girl
written: November 16, 2005

Many people ask me about the songs that I play on my Xanga. Every song I choose to play has a very significant meaning to me. Even when the song represents a holiday, the song is specifically chosen for a meaning it has to me. Today's song is called, "One Small Girl", and it is from a play called Once on this Island If you have never had a chance to see this play, you really should. It is one of my favorites. However, I chose to play this song in honor of National Adoption Month, because of this impact it had on us getting our youngest daughter.

I have always been a big believer in fate. I have always believed that things happen for a reason, and if you really stop, listen, and think, you can often figure out why. Some people think it is God's way of answering your most heartfelt prayers. Either way, when the adoption agency called for us to take Kate home. I knew she belonged with us. But, I was scared. I didn't know how to care for a baby. The older 3 children were just getting settled, Our house was too small, Formula was very expensive, and did I mention, I had NO IDEA how to take care of a baby...

And then, one day, I was driving in my car, listening to Once on this Island, thinking over and over about what was the best thing for my family. And then this song came on. There is a verse that goes like this:

But we are too old for children
We have no room, and no food...
And not knowing why, they followed their hearts back to the tree, gently lifted the terrified child down...
(She screams No)
And discovered that she could speak after all
One Small Girl
In the way
Constantly hungry
Learning too Quick
One Small Girl
Hard at play
She makes me smile
She scares me sick!
And they scolded and teased and held her
And mended the clothes she tore
And the hut was crowded and food was scarce
and somehow, their lives held more
One Small Girl
To Live For.

Now, if you are not familiar with the play, this song is where TonTon Julian and Mama Euralie are trying to decide whether or not they should take in a little girl, orphaned by a storm. They list all the reasons that they shouldn't, then push aside those doubts, take the child, and discover that she all those doubts are nothing compared to the joy she brings them.

So, hear I am thinking about THE EXACT SAME QUESTION as Tonton and Mama, and this song comes on. So, I hear it, and am thinking about how ironic that is. Then, the weirdest thing happens- Just as it says, "One small girl to live for". My CD skips back to the beginning of this passage. What is weird is that if you actually listen to the song here, you will see that there is a lot before this, and a lot after. But just this one part played 3 times.

And on the third time, I knew that it wasn't ironic at all. My house was too small, and formula was expensive, and our lives were already chaotic with 3 newly placed children, but I knew her place was with us.

And like the song, I can not express the joy she has brought to our lives. In so many ways she completed our family.

Adoption thought of the day
written: November 20, 2005

Why, oh Why, do people who give birth to their own babies NOT have to go through the same classes and preparation as adoptive parents??? I guess this is more of a "child abuse/ neglect" thought than an actual adoption thought, but I think if more people were REALLY prepared for what they were getting into in- and given tools to really be able to do it- it would just be better for everyone.

Adoption Thought of the Day
Written: November 22, 2005

Adoption Thought of the Day: Today was one of the days that I really FELT the difference between giving birth and adopting. My 4 year old son committed some wrong doings not that uncommon for a 4 year old. But while I was disciplining him, he told me that the reason he made bad choices was because he wanted to go back and live with his "grandma" (his foster mother). Now, understand that in my brain, I KNOW there is a lot more going on here than just those words. I have been educated on the psychological impact of adoption. I know that A) He is mad because he is being disciplined. B) He is Feeling nervous because this is a adoption threshold point- In a couple of weeks, he will have been with us for the same amount of time he was with his birth family, and then his foster family. His brain is sensing that it is almost time to move on and he is afraid of losing us. C) Thanksgiving is upon us, and, as most kids from the system, holidays seem to be trigger points. D) He, in a complete dichotomy, feels safe enough to push a little, and see if we stand firm.
So, I know all of this, and I know that ALL children at some point in their lives will tell their parents they don't like them- In parenting class, we learned that means we are doing our job right. However, let me tell you, when your child says that- AND they have other "moms" to compare you too, it hurts a little deeper. It is one thing to hear, "I don't like you mommy" and completely another to hear, "I liked living with Grammy and Papa better." What they taught me to do in parenting class was not to let it get to me, it was guilt manipulation, and he doesn't mean it. They always told me that children who genuinely don't feel loved, Don't say things like this. They told me to say, "I am sorry you feel that way, but I love you and you will be staying here." And continue with the discipline. What they LEFT OUT of parenting class was the fact that it is hard. My feeling were hurt, I want my son to like me better than the other moms. So, I compromised, I did everything they told me to do in parenting class, and then secretly cried to my mother. LOL.

Adoption Thought of the Day
written November 25, 2005

Parenting magazine just ran an article in the November issue about a woman who had adopted children. The mother had a pet peeve about people asking her which of her children were adopted, and flat out refused to answer the question. Her thought was that it is the child's personal information, and he/she should decide who they want to know. Upon pestering from the reporter, the woman asked the reporter if she were married. The reporter answered that she was. The mother than asked if she and her husband had sex. Again, though a bit flustered, the reporter answered yes. And then the mother asked her how often. To which the reporter exclaimed that it was none of her business. "Exactly", said the mother. There is nothing wrong with it, it is completely normal, but some things are just personal. We tend to feel more comfortable sharing our story, but we are also mindful of our children's right to privacy, and many of the details surrounding their adoption are not discussed outside a close knit circle. We also ask our children about how they would like us to answer certain questions, and let them know that they ALWAYS have the right to change how they feel. Another great quote from the article was when the reporter asked the mother if the adopted children had any mental illness in their family. The mother replied, " Only once we adopted them." I love this quote because it reminds people that adoptive families have just as many "skeletons" as birth families.

We Love you Kate!
Written: December 3, 2005

Last year at 2pm, December 3, I met my daughter for the first time and brought her home.

I don't think I will ever forget that day. I got up early so that we could get to Babies R Us as soon as they opened. I had only gotten the call about Kate the night before- while I was at work, no less, so I had to quickly go out and buy everything you would need to bring a baby home. Now I know why God gives you 9 months to prepare. Trying to figure out everything I needed - and buying it- in one shot was overwhelming. But soon, I had everything I needed and it was time to make the long drive to Hemmitt to pick up my new daughter. Unlike my older 3 children, I had never even seen a picture of Kate. There had been no formal presentation, no nothing. All the way to Hemmitt I tried to imagine what she looked like. I remember feeling overwhelmingly excited, but absolutely terrified at the the same time. The closer to Hemmitt I got, the more fearful I became. I had no idea how to take care of a baby. How could they just call me up and give me a baby?? How would I know when to feed her, or how often, or how to give her a bath. How would I know how to burp her- I used to try to burp my niece Grace and it had never worked- what if I couldn't burp my baby?? What if she got sick and I didn't know? What if I didn't provide enough stimulation. Or the right stimulation. It was a very long drive to Hemmitt. I called Dr. Carlis ( The BEST doctor on the planet) and he told me to bring the baby in the next day and he would examine her and tell me what to do. He told me how often babies her age normally eat and how much. He told me I would be ok. He told me when his wife had their first baby, nobody told him any of these things either. Yeah, but he had 8 years of medical training!

Finally, I arrived in Hemmitt. As I rang the doorbell, I thought I might pass out. The same thing happened to me the first time I met my older 3 children. When I met them (thought at least I had seen pictures) my stomach hurt so bad and I kept thinking I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I refer to it as my labor pains. No matter how you slice it, the first time you see your child, your stomach hurts. LOL

And then, the door opened, and there she was. Her foster mother handed her to me immediately, and it was the most surreal moment of my life. I asked the foster mother about her schedule and about her temperament. And finally it was time to leave. It was an incredibly awkward moment. My new baby was screaming, and I could not figure out how to work the high tech car seat I had bought. The more nervous I became, the more the baby cried. Eventually, it all worked out, the baby was latched in safely, and we were on our way home.

All the way home, I kept glancing back at this little baby. She was my daughter and she felt like such a stranger to me. She WAS a stranger to me. Quite frankly, I think I was afraid of her. LOL. Another thing I caught myself doing was thinking of the children as "my kids" and "the baby". This was bothersome to me. In retrospect, I think it is natural. My older 3 had been with me for 4 1/2 months, I had by this time known Kate for about 45 minutes. To me it is one of the significant differences between giving birth and adopting. I found out the day before that I was going to be getting her. I didn't have 9 months to get used to the idea of having a baby. My brain didn't make the leap that fast.

I got her home and changed and fed her. The kids were absolutely in awe of their new baby sister. And I swear that I spent the rest of the night just staring at her. Almost like I was afraid that if I dared to look away, she would be gone. My greatest dream had been to have a baby. When we got the kids, I was beyond ecstatic, and I let go any ideas of one day having a baby. To be sitting there, looking at her, to have that chance was a miracle for me.

Well, as it always does, one day rolled into the next, and Kate grew and grew and grew. And now, here it is 1 year later. I think back to this day last year. I remember how it felt to be so nervous, and then I look at Kate and can not for the life of me imagine how I could felt anything other than elation. Today, she is my baby. I know everything about her. I know what she is doing when she wanders off into her sister's room ( she LOVES Cindy's dollhouse), I know how to make her laugh ( I rub my nose on her nose- or her feet), I know how to make her stop crying when she is mad ( I sing If your happy and you know it clap your hands), and I know how to comfort her when she is sad ( I rub her back). And when she sees me, her whole face lights up and it is always melts my heart. Along the way, I figured out REAL quick how to tell if she was hungry or hurt or sick or mad. And I guess Dr. Carlis- and my mom- were right. I was ok.

This has truly been the most magical 16 moths of my life.

Christmases Past, Present, and Future
What Really Matters

written: December 13, 2005

Everything was wonderful on our trip to see Santa. And then we came home. For some reasons we know, and some we will never know, Christmas- and seeing Santa in particular- are emotional triggers for our children. Especially Cindy. Last year, this realization hit us like a ton of bricks. This year, we are more prepared- and better educated to help her through it. But I found it interesting to listen to all the people around us excitedly talking about Christmas and who wanted what and who had bought what. And I listened as my children recited their very simple wishes. While other children want X-boxes and ipods, my daughter wants to see her parents. Or at least know that they are ok. My whole life I had everything I ever wanted. Not only did I get everything I asked for nearly every Christmas, but I always knew I was loved and safe. Toby and I worked hard to ensure that we would be able to give our children the same things I had when I was growing up. And now here I am. A time of my life that always brings joy, does not seem to conjure up the same warm feelings for my children. It is a season of too many sad or dark memories. Memories that 100 X-boxes could not wipe away. I watch them in the moment, and they seem full of joy, but then later- in the calm- they remember. All of our classes taught us this could happen, and it was all fine and good when it was a hypothetical child, but these are not hypothetical children, these are MY children. And if I could have any wish in the whole world granted, I would wish that my children would have never had some of the experiences they had. But instead, all I can offer them are the tools with which to face their past and move forward. I can assure them that they are loved and safe. I can assure them that their parents loved them then, and love them still. I can offer them a better future. And I can teach them that in every horrible experience, there is a chance to find peace. And a lesson to be learned. But when I hear my children crying softly, it doesn't feel like enough, no matter what the experts say. Funny, I always had everything I ever needed or truly wanted before I ever got a thing- and it took me all these years, and my 4 amazing children, to get it. Christmas-Life- is not about what you get from Santa or under your tree, it is about spending time together, feeling loved, feeling safe, and having someone hold you close when you don't. Maybe someday, many years from now, years of warm moments and family traditions will overshadow the dark memories I know my children will always carry. I don't think that the Magic mirror, t-ball set, bowling ball set, and baby doll will hurt any, but I know it will never mean as much as knowing that even when the world seems harsh, there is always someplace safe to go.

The Journey of Life
written: February 5, 2005

When we decided to adopt a child from the foster system, we had to make more classes. At our first class, the instructor read the following essay, substituting "disability" with "Special Needs". I should point out here that "Special Needs" in Adoption Lingo does not mean the same thing as "Special Needs" in the outside world. Special Needs simply means that these children have something that makes them a little harder to place. Maybe their age, or their ethnicity, or their adverse beginnings, or a medical, emotional, mental, or physical limitation. Sometimes, it is simply because they are a sibling set.

Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make wonderful plans. The Coliseum, The Michelangelo David. The Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"HOLLAND?!" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there 's been a change in flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower paced that Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around...and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things...about Holland.

For me, I would substitute "Disability" with "Adopting Older Children". I wanted a baby. I wanted to have my friends and family with me as I welcomed a new baby. I wanted a baby shower for a baby of unknown gender. I wanted to bring my baby home from the hospital. And I really REALLY wanted a bassinet.
Now, as it turns out, I had more of my dream than most. I went through a pregnancy. Sadly, it ended with the stillbirth of my daughter, but at least I had that time. And 4 1/2 months after bringing my older children home, their 4 1/2 month old sister came joined our family. Sadly she was already 14 pounds- to big for a bassinet. But I have loved every moment with her. So, if you had asked me, I would have told you, yes, it is sad that I didn't have that moment, but life goes on. Until yesterday.

While, at a MOMS club luncheon, I bid almost all my raffle tickets on an old fashioned cradle bassinet. All my friends teased me about secretly wanting another baby- which I don't- and asking what on Earth I as going to do if I won the bassinet. "You know", I said, "I have no idea!" Maybe it is a good thing I didn't win. I guess the truth is that when I saw all the baskets- over a 100- I realized that everything there I could go out and buy. But the bassinet was the one thing I had always wanted, but would never buy. And I realized just how significant a loss that had been for me.

Recently, I came across the essay again while waiting at my son's doctor's office. My son has Receptive Aphasia. And I realized that for me, I do not consider my son's Aphasia a disability. It does not bother me at all that we have to learn sign language, or communicate differently. In fact, I think he is amazingly lucky that he will learn, so young, the importance of learning new ways to communicate. I hope such knowledge will make him more patient, more tolerant, more compassionate. I think these skills will serve him well in life. But it made me think about how versatile this essay is. Haven't we ALL planned diligently for one thing, only to end up somewhere completely different?? I don't even think I know anyone my age who is actually doing something related to their college major... And many of them are much happier with their current life than the one they had planned- I know I am. Maybe Happiness is more about learning to find the joy in where you are than in ending up where you thought you wanted to go. Maybe Italy IS a wonderful place to visit, but Holland sure is a wonderful place to live.

The Grief Side of Adoption
Written: February 5, 2005

On Wednesday night, A couple in our Adoption Group shared the side of adoption we all know exists, and always hope we will be spared. It took me a couple of days to write about it, because even now, it it so close to home, that it left a raw feeling for me. I needed time to absorb it and put it in perspective.

They have to send their son, the son they have raised since birth, and loved and nurtured and provided and kept safe, to live with his birth paternal grandmother.

Making this story even worse is the fact that the birth mother, CPS and the Judge had all supported the adoption. CPS declared the grandmother ( who is a registered American Indian) to be unsuitable to raise the child (for other issues, not because she an Indian), and it is my understanding that the tribe had originally not contested the adoption. However, the grandmother raised what for with the tribe and the tribe told the judge to return the baby to her. Under the current law, the tribe has authority over the judge.

I have always been told that nothing in the world is worse than the death of a child. Now, I am not sure I agree. Watching this amazing couple go this grief is overwhelming. I have lost a child. And it was beyond devastating, but at least I can find comfort in knowing that she is safe in Heaven, surrounded by the love of God and Family. To be forced to place my child into a home declared unfit for children, simply because they were American Indian- How do face that? Yes, I know that faith can take you through things you never thought you could face, but HOW DO YOU FACE THAT? Constantly worrying about the safety of your child.

All I could think about was Kate. Kate came to live with us as a foster child. When Kate came to live with us parental rights had not been terminated and her birth parents were still entitled to visits. Had they followed their case plan, I would have been force to give her back to them. Would I have had the strength? Or Would I have kidnapped her and moved to China?

So this week and the next- my heart and my prayers are with this amazing couple. Yes, we all know the risk when we set out to adopt a child, but this is actually so rare an occurrence that we all dare to hope we will side with the odds. And it is so hard to see those we love not be on that side. I have seen enough of life to know that God has a plan, and his plan has a way of always working out better than you could have ever imagined, but it often seems to travel through such encompassing grief.

So now, I am just going to go hold my children for a little while and remember all the loss I have suffered to be able to hold them, and tell my heart that someday our friends will be able to say the same.

I hope you all have a great weekend!!